有那麼可憐嗎

前幾天面試途中發生太多事情
老媽說 "妳也太悲慘了吧﹐所有屁事都發生在妳身上。"

真的!

好像上帝要趁機折磨我一下﹐永遠印象深刻吧...
不過神有祂的安排﹐真的都很剛好﹐ 一切都會發生在對的時刻。
真的好微妙哦....

可是心情還是很差...

因為一些狀況﹐讓我對一些事情的堅持有些改變了。

為什麼我要永遠把自己弄得那麼可憐呢?

被困在城堡裡的公主﹐
是她自己不願意想辦法逃出去﹐才說成是在等待她的騎士吧。
好笨哦﹐萬一等不到呢? 萬一妳變老太婆了呢?
為什麼不自己想辦法??

世界這麼大﹐干嘛只看到眼前呢....

唉

我下定決心了。

.delete

If only we can chose to remove certain memories from our brain, and heart, life would be so much more easy and happy. Why can't girls have brains like guys? Categorize everything, put them into boxes, and only open one that I would like to think about.

I think this is what made me so upset all the time. When something happened, something that made me upset, I will think about it over and over. I can't forget those points of impact on my feelings. And I always thinks that I could, but I just can't. Until over a period of time, it's numb to a certain point that I felt disgust, anger and hatred. Recently I can't control it. I feel like I'm losing my sanity.

I know I am asking too much from the world, and I'm getting more and more selfish than ever. I probably love myself more than anyone else. Yes, I think I love myself more. So it's always myself who is disappointing me, and making me upset all the time.

I had a haircut yesterday, thought it's gonna be nice after the cut, like a better appearance and a happier emotion. But in the mirror I saw the most ugly person I've ever seen in my life. A sinking heart made my skin rough, a frowning sad face, no sunshine nor rainbow. Jeremy thought he did a bad job, so he kept asking me if it was ok. I don't know man... I can't see what's the matter here, isit the fringe or just me, or the stupid curls that he did for fun afterwards... It was almost 9.30pm when I left the salon. Hungry and tired. Jess went home earlier so I was all by myself. I think I gained like 20kg after the hair cut, 'coz i seemed not able to lift my legs and walk properly. It was like forever to take the train and reach home. Not to mention the embarrassing incident happened on the train, goshh, I wish I could dig a hole and hide my big head. On the way home I stopped by the night market and bought a kebab, and what in the world the guy pointed to my face and asked me if my mole is real?! HELLO PLEASE, YOU THINK I PASTE A MOLE ON THE FACE TO LOOK PRETTY?? Arrgg. It's so not funny. So I got home, finished my kebab, bath, and went to sleep. It was 11.30pm.

so angry

睡不著了...

又在想一些有的沒有的事情。


唉 在這種孤獨的晚上﹐只有自己可以陪自己。




不就說了改變是進行式的嗎﹐

連自己都察覺不到...自己已經開始對很多事情不感興趣了。

因為如果我會為一些事情難過﹐那我就要去改變它改變自己。

給自己一個強心針然後繼續走下去...




我不想被不當一回事﹑被忽略﹑被看扁﹑被懷疑﹑被不尊重﹑被開玩笑﹑被看輕.....

每次都把自己變成小丑和放下尊嚴的為了取悅別人﹐真的沒必要...

最後只是會像個笨蛋一樣懊惱又後悔到不行...

也沒有人會珍惜你的慷慨和熱情﹐他們只會把一切視為理所當然。

人類最終都還是自私的動物。

Change

Time to grow up and plan my life well. It's not healthy to spin my life on a chopstick anymore. Too much time spent on unconstructive things and decisions, it's time to open my eyes and my heart. I have been drowning myself in my own sadness for too long. I don't want to be the pathetic now, and there are billions of lovely things to look at. I need to change. I should treat myself better.

新的

聽到說周杰倫的新專輯已經出來了?
想要嗎...... I don't know.........
所有其他的都留在南非了﹐有這張又如何呢...?
心裡想的掛念的都是那些不在身邊的...
唉
好麻煩。

怎麼辦.....又要找新的工作了....
所以暂時無法存錢買電腦...

浴室的蓮蓬頭壞了﹐洗澡都好不方便....啊對了有備用的!
怎麼一直忘記用....

我要開始討厭星巴克。

我真的再也不相信有兩人世界的說法。

童 話故事 是用來騙白痴的。

我不想渴望美好的事情會發生﹐只希望沒有壞事就夠了。

我在十歲前的生日有許下一個願望﹐ 就是把後來的兩個25年都送給媽媽。
那麼我就只能活到27歲了吧?

可是有誰的願望實現過了呢...?

O Happy Day

剛看完Harlem Gospal Choir 在教會的演出﹐還蠻不錯的。
但由於身體不適﹐所以沒有很盡興...
唉...今天真的好辛苦........
事情不順利就算了
可是為什麼連每個人都好像想要找我麻煩呢...
身體真的很不舒服.....
小小的要求都不行嗎?
我的存在感就是那麼薄弱嗎?
家人還是一直不斷的在施壓﹐態度又超獨裁...
工作上的進度已經沒有進度了....
沒有人願意認真聽我說........
壓力真的好大......
生活上所有的小區塊已經沒有一個可以讓我依靠了......
唉   身體真的好辛苦
算了......
我什麼都不想去在乎了。

人格分裂

以前看過一部電影﹐裡面的小女孩說: "爺爺有說過﹐不要相信正在爭吵的人說的話﹐因為那不是真心的。" 真的...吵架完後都會很後悔...後悔自己在失去理智時所說出的話... 昨天和家人大吵了﹐看到壓抑了很久的自己﹐瘋狂的把自己的不滿宣泄出來...抱怨了很多﹐也說了很多傷人的話...幼稚又悲哀...亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫.............真的覺得自己有很大的問題.....在撕吼中可以感覺到自己想要把週圍的東西都摔坡﹐想要用力的打自己的頭亂扯頭髮﹐想要把眼前的人推倒﹐想要衝出家然後再也不要回來...瘋狂的想要離開這個世界...可是我選擇了一個人哭...哭到半夜哭到早上...靠著禱告平安的度過一晚...隔天的眼睛真的是腫到很好笑﹐像被十只蜜蜂虰過﹐紅腫又刺痛...........

我覺得自己真的有很大的問題。

好難受。

Still

I couldn't get this song out of my head now...

Concert Hillsong Team & Michael W Smith - Still

April's end

First day of the last week in April. Besides getting sick and getting others sick, everything else seems peaceful. The weekend is already over? So fast.... Well I'm feeling better at least... Now I have a day to make edits and changes to my work and submit tomorrow.

Last Friday, I attended a sermon in church. The pastor said, quoted from a movie, "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.". This is probably the most romantic and touching thing to hear in the past months. The sad thing is that I couldn't recall any of those moments in this year. Probably I am looking into the wrong things. Or perhaps those moments aren't suppose to be showned easily. For all I know, I spent all my time waiting since the beginning of this year, since the beginning of everything. I am a person who is always failed to hold onto my trust in others. Small obstacles can easily crush me down. I live in regrets and uncertainties. Above all, my faith is weak. Constantly, I am tired of this world and what people can offer me. Sometimes, I feel like I'm a being that lives in a human flesh looking at this world through thy human eyes, and deep down I know I belong somewhere else. Weird I know, but I have this thought since I was 9.

I think I'm doomed to be a pathetic little creature.

stress

OMG I suck! A big time rejection on the work I have produced for freelance... Oh man... So stress and sad.... It's really been quite tough in the past few weeks with my life.... Really tough... Physically and mentally, and emotionally.... So stressed that I just wanna break down and cry in the bus or when walking down the street.  What ever I do, it's always not good enough. I am forever a nobody, and brings nothing but burden to my family and people I love.

Stress..........

我討厭...

我討厭現在的生活...
我討厭這種感覺...
我討厭被約束
我討厭別人跟我說 "啊...不可能的啦..."
我討厭自以為很了解我的人
我討厭不守信用亂下約定的人
我討厭被排擠
我討厭被忽略
我討厭說的到卻做不到的人
我討厭被不平等的對待
我討厭吝嗇給予的人
我討厭欺騙和隱瞞
我討厭什麼事都沒辦法依賴任何人的感覺
我討厭有煩惱的時候找不到人訴說
我討厭被自己所遺忘的過去又找回了我
我討厭想起不愉快難過的回憶

我的 女 神

中島美嘉真的很漂亮! 不管什麼造型都很適合她...
有一種憂傷的美麗...
拍廣告也很好看~
真的超愛她的!

怎麼辦

傍晚的時候躺在床上
聽大塚愛的love letter
大概哭了兩個小時
晚餐吃了一口飯
其他就放著...

像我之前說的
我們做出的選擇會有不同的後果
要犧牲 金錢 友誼 還是愛情?
有時候問題都不是很明顯
問題都不是問題
可是...真的是這樣嗎?
是不是考慮到了就沒問題了?
你可以用很多的理由留著被犧牲掉的那個嗎?

我不知道為什麼眼睛感覺不到累
心抽痛的到痲掉了

這是什麼感覺...?

害怕 空虛 失望 難過 痲痺....





再多的理由... 選擇決定了一切。

The facts...

真的很奇怪
在發生事情之後
上帝派了一個人來跟我聊天
似乎讓我看清楚了一些事情
發現...我真的不了解很多...

好想大聲叫出來

為什麼我要選擇在這麼晚的時候抱怨這麼多?

越說越難過....

控制不住的情緒好恐怖哦...

我真的感覺到自己的無助和心痛的感覺....

可能是壓抑了太久太久﹐事情的累積太多太多...

當越吵越兇的時候﹐心裡一直想著

"這不是我要的!"

"我不想這樣..."

可是卻沒辦法控制自己被憤怒佔據的理智...

傷心.....難過.....亂流眼淚和鼻涕....

弄得彼此都亂七八糟的....

為的是什麼呢?

我自己也不清楚.......

大概我的認知一直都是認為情侶要一起行動

大概我真的希望你說  " 沒有你﹐我不想去了。"

大概我要的只是你多一點的在乎和關心那個被拋下的另一半...


大概...... 也許我們還沒有熟到那個階段吧.....


有時候聽聽長輩的話是沒有錯的﹐

我真的太天真了。


唉

對不起... 害你吃不到柳丁了...........

好煩的一個星期

最近心煩到什麼事都做不了... 只想吃東西睡覺...
唉   要肥死了 >__<"
有時候生活就是這樣吧:
快樂的時候很快樂﹐ 有時候瞬間難過的要爆炸...
有時候就是這樣﹐令人難過的事情會深刻到讓你忘不掉﹐
然後沉澱到深處...

我看到了去年寫的可是放在draft裡的東西:

....
我其實覺得無所謂﹐沒什麼大不了...
反正任何事都有它的理由吧...
可是有時候問題不在於事情的發生﹐
而是你所做的選擇...
讓我覺得很不被重視....
讓我覺得我不在考慮的範圍內...
可有可無的存在感﹐會讓我一直問自己為什麼為什麼...
我難過的是我的可以或不可以﹐不會改變任何事
...........


隔了那麼久﹐我都覺得沒關係了
可是最近當那個時刻到來時﹐
我還是因為別人的一兩句而點醒....
唉  心情真的差的可以
害我今天睡了要15個小時 吧...
不過從小小的事情裡﹐我也看到了好多東西...
自己也學習要把心放寬
沒什麼好在乎的﹐干嘛這麼的執著呢?

所有的事情﹐都會有改變的一天

不管是男生女生﹐不管是大人小孩﹐

不管我們有多聰明﹐不管我們有多細心﹐

還是有很多事情我們想不到做不到...

活在當下的我們﹐

要考慮到很多事情是很困難很辛苦的...

但是那些做得到的人﹐就成功了。

身邊有很多人很多事情

使我們悲傷...  感到挫折...

但是每一件事情都會使我們成長

甚至改變我們

感情被傷到了﹐就不會再回到當初

走過了﹐就不要回頭﹐

不需要抱著遺憾活到老。

因為改變是進行式的...

在任何時候在我們不知道的情況下發生....

當無法挽回的那一天來臨時﹐

我們只能接受

因為這是我們用時間和錯誤的想法換來的結果

人類真的很渺小﹐並非所有的事情都是掌控的到的。

我們也只能用快樂的回憶填補人生中的缺陷。

要活的幸福哦~ :)

Grace

Few days ago I saw mom wrote her name, Grace, on her schedule book. I got curious, and wanna to find out where in Bible does 'grace' appear. There were many results after google it.

Right after in the next day, HBO was showing the movie, The Express. It's a movie about the life of college football hero Ernie Davis, the first African-American to win the Heisman Trophy. And from the movie, I was so touched by the following verse:

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them--yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me.

- 1Corinthians 15:10

Recently..

When I woke up in the morning, my first 20 to 30min of vision is blur. It's definitely not those sleepy eyes effect. It feels so weird, like back to those days that I had to reach out for my glasses in the morning. Well I hope it's nothing serious, just lack of sleep maybe... Haiz worries me a little now...

2010: Good movies coming soon?

Okay. So I'm expecting a few good movies this year.

Clash of the Titans

This is the story of Perseus, the mortal son of Zeus the god, going on to a mission of fighting against Hades, the vengeful god of the underworld. So here we are, having a story on greek myth! Wow! And omg we have Sam Worthington as Perseus! This really sounds so cool. It is actually a remake of the Clash of Titans (1981), and ofcourse I'm sure it can pull off well with the advanced CG and stuffs. But I just hope it has a great script and a good director. It's not that I don't trust Louis Leterrier (director of The Incredible Hulk and Danny the Dog), and I totally believe that Louis gonna do a great job, but I'm just so scared that a great story like this is badly handled. Just look at Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief. The Greek mythology-feel is so weak and it's just so.... teenager-ish? bad script? weird acting? bad portraying of the characters? I walk out of the theatre thinking, "Okay it's not bad, but weird, but good, but weird, but hmmm... bad?". Because I believe the story and idea is really good, though I didn't read the story book, but it's definitely a great story to do a series, and the guy is so cute (better than Harry Potter). Well I don't believe they will make a sequel now since the characters are so dumb and weird... Okay maybe I'm too harsh, it's a good teenage movie afterall.

Robin Hood

OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!! I'm just thrilled, heart goes wild, breath taken away, to find out about this!
And why is this so? Because... *drum roll please*....
Ridley Scott is the director! Okay those asking who this is can go and knock your head three times. Ridley Scott is the director of Alien(1979), Gladiator (2000), Black Hawk Down (2001), American Gangster (2007), and Body of Lies (2008). Okay maybe there are a few bad movies inbetween, but Ridley is definitely the man. This is not the Robin Hood story we knew (the one with Kevin Costner, Robin Hood: Prince of Thief), rather the making of the legend we have come to know him as now. Excited? Well I am. Because we have Russell Crowe as Robin Hood, and Cate Blanchett as Maid Marian.

And we also have Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time and Iron Man 2 coming up. And then there's a great news for animation lovers, Toy Story 3 is coming after mid-2010! Wow Woody and Buzz! And we also have Shrek Forever After somewhere I think.

Right now I'm waiting impatiently for Alice in Wonderland and The Book of Eli to show in the cinemas! I can't wait... I love Johnny Depp and Denzel Washington.


Hmmm frankly, I think I'm expecting Toy Story 3 more than any of the above films. lol.

笨蛋

我想對你說:

你是一個大笨蛋!!! 大~~~~ 笨~~~~ 蛋~~~~ !!! >___<

我好討厭自己...

為什麼總是只想到不好的事...

總是想著要放棄...

總是想要逃避...

總是...在想著自己? 不為你著想?

我不知道了﹐我什麼都不清楚了...

這幾天真的好累﹐好不順心...

我可能把事情都看的太嚴重了

弄得大家都不開心﹐

讓你覺得做錯了...




我知道﹐其實自己是個懦弱又自卑的人.......




你的好﹐我都有看到。

你的努力﹐我都有發現!

你說的對﹐我不夠仰望 神。

謝謝你﹐提醒我要更加細心。

唉.... 我真的好糟糕....... :(

So bad

Have you ever had the feeling of waking up in the morning and feel the pain in your heart that aches on every beat it makes? I had that this morning. It's one of those morings that i woke up from a bad and terribly sad dream. The previous one i had was almost 10 years ago, and i dreamt that my mom don't wanna  buy me bread. LOL. I had a dream this morning that I was meeting my love in the theme park, but he never showed up. I went around the place while waiting for him, I was so alone and by myself. As the park was about to close on time at 11pm, he called me and said he is still at home and decided not to come. I was panic and mad and so sad. In the dream I was crying and yelling over the phone. I kinda woke up by that heavy anger and hatred. But what I really feel is the sadness followed through. Goshh I'm so glad it's just a dream.

X___X

今年的情人節為什麼會跟新年在同一天呢?

好不公平哦。

又一次的， 情人节只有自己而已......

这不能怪谁或什么， 只能说是我注定要一个人过这天吧 。



好累哦

觉得自己总是在担心害怕其他人的感受...

随时都在为了一些事和人做出小小的牺牲和贡献...

我觉得我快找不到自己了....

到最后都会弄得自己很难过很烦燥。

为什么没有人可以了解我????

我累了....



这几天了解到，每个人都是自私的....

永远第一个想到的是自己，最爱的也是自己，最好的会给自己，花钱在自己身上也最多...

每个人都自私自利的活在这个世界上

这也包括我。





我想回台湾。