有那麼可憐嗎

前幾天面試途中發生太多事情
老媽說 "妳也太悲慘了吧﹐所有屁事都發生在妳身上。"

真的!

好像上帝要趁機折磨我一下﹐永遠印象深刻吧...
不過神有祂的安排﹐真的都很剛好﹐ 一切都會發生在對的時刻。
真的好微妙哦....

可是心情還是很差...

因為一些狀況﹐讓我對一些事情的堅持有些改變了。

為什麼我要永遠把自己弄得那麼可憐呢?

被困在城堡裡的公主﹐
是她自己不願意想辦法逃出去﹐才說成是在等待她的騎士吧。
好笨哦﹐萬一等不到呢? 萬一妳變老太婆了呢?
為什麼不自己想辦法??

世界這麼大﹐干嘛只看到眼前呢....

唉

我下定決心了。

.delete

If only we can chose to remove certain memories from our brain, and heart, life would be so much more easy and happy. Why can't girls have brains like guys? Categorize everything, put them into boxes, and only open one that I would like to think about.

I think this is what made me so upset all the time. When something happened, something that made me upset, I will think about it over and over. I can't forget those points of impact on my feelings. And I always thinks that I could, but I just can't. Until over a period of time, it's numb to a certain point that I felt disgust, anger and hatred. Recently I can't control it. I feel like I'm losing my sanity.

I know I am asking too much from the world, and I'm getting more and more selfish than ever. I probably love myself more than anyone else. Yes, I think I love myself more. So it's always myself who is disappointing me, and making me upset all the time.

I had a haircut yesterday, thought it's gonna be nice after the cut, like a better appearance and a happier emotion. But in the mirror I saw the most ugly person I've ever seen in my life. A sinking heart made my skin rough, a frowning sad face, no sunshine nor rainbow. Jeremy thought he did a bad job, so he kept asking me if it was ok. I don't know man... I can't see what's the matter here, isit the fringe or just me, or the stupid curls that he did for fun afterwards... It was almost 9.30pm when I left the salon. Hungry and tired. Jess went home earlier so I was all by myself. I think I gained like 20kg after the hair cut, 'coz i seemed not able to lift my legs and walk properly. It was like forever to take the train and reach home. Not to mention the embarrassing incident happened on the train, goshh, I wish I could dig a hole and hide my big head. On the way home I stopped by the night market and bought a kebab, and what in the world the guy pointed to my face and asked me if my mole is real?! HELLO PLEASE, YOU THINK I PASTE A MOLE ON THE FACE TO LOOK PRETTY?? Arrgg. It's so not funny. So I got home, finished my kebab, bath, and went to sleep. It was 11.30pm.

so angry

睡不著了...

又在想一些有的沒有的事情。


唉 在這種孤獨的晚上﹐只有自己可以陪自己。




不就說了改變是進行式的嗎﹐

連自己都察覺不到...自己已經開始對很多事情不感興趣了。

因為如果我會為一些事情難過﹐那我就要去改變它改變自己。

給自己一個強心針然後繼續走下去...




我不想被不當一回事﹑被忽略﹑被看扁﹑被懷疑﹑被不尊重﹑被開玩笑﹑被看輕.....

每次都把自己變成小丑和放下尊嚴的為了取悅別人﹐真的沒必要...

最後只是會像個笨蛋一樣懊惱又後悔到不行...

也沒有人會珍惜你的慷慨和熱情﹐他們只會把一切視為理所當然。

人類最終都還是自私的動物。

Change

Time to grow up and plan my life well. It's not healthy to spin my life on a chopstick anymore. Too much time spent on unconstructive things and decisions, it's time to open my eyes and my heart. I have been drowning myself in my own sadness for too long. I don't want to be the pathetic now, and there are billions of lovely things to look at. I need to change. I should treat myself better.

新的

聽到說周杰倫的新專輯已經出來了?
想要嗎...... I don't know.........
所有其他的都留在南非了﹐有這張又如何呢...?
心裡想的掛念的都是那些不在身邊的...
唉
好麻煩。

怎麼辦.....又要找新的工作了....
所以暂時無法存錢買電腦...

浴室的蓮蓬頭壞了﹐洗澡都好不方便....啊對了有備用的!
怎麼一直忘記用....

我要開始討厭星巴克。

我真的再也不相信有兩人世界的說法。

童 話故事 是用來騙白痴的。

我不想渴望美好的事情會發生﹐只希望沒有壞事就夠了。

我在十歲前的生日有許下一個願望﹐ 就是把後來的兩個25年都送給媽媽。
那麼我就只能活到27歲了吧?

可是有誰的願望實現過了呢...?

O Happy Day

剛看完Harlem Gospal Choir 在教會的演出﹐還蠻不錯的。
但由於身體不適﹐所以沒有很盡興...
唉...今天真的好辛苦........
事情不順利就算了
可是為什麼連每個人都好像想要找我麻煩呢...
身體真的很不舒服.....
小小的要求都不行嗎?
我的存在感就是那麼薄弱嗎?
家人還是一直不斷的在施壓﹐態度又超獨裁...
工作上的進度已經沒有進度了....
沒有人願意認真聽我說........
壓力真的好大......
生活上所有的小區塊已經沒有一個可以讓我依靠了......
唉   身體真的好辛苦
算了......
我什麼都不想去在乎了。

人格分裂

以前看過一部電影﹐裡面的小女孩說: "爺爺有說過﹐不要相信正在爭吵的人說的話﹐因為那不是真心的。" 真的...吵架完後都會很後悔...後悔自己在失去理智時所說出的話... 昨天和家人大吵了﹐看到壓抑了很久的自己﹐瘋狂的把自己的不滿宣泄出來...抱怨了很多﹐也說了很多傷人的話...幼稚又悲哀...亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫亂吼亂叫.............真的覺得自己有很大的問題.....在撕吼中可以感覺到自己想要把週圍的東西都摔坡﹐想要用力的打自己的頭亂扯頭髮﹐想要把眼前的人推倒﹐想要衝出家然後再也不要回來...瘋狂的想要離開這個世界...可是我選擇了一個人哭...哭到半夜哭到早上...靠著禱告平安的度過一晚...隔天的眼睛真的是腫到很好笑﹐像被十只蜜蜂虰過﹐紅腫又刺痛...........

我覺得自己真的有很大的問題。

好難受。

Still

I couldn't get this song out of my head now...

Concert Hillsong Team & Michael W Smith - Still

April's end

First day of the last week in April. Besides getting sick and getting others sick, everything else seems peaceful. The weekend is already over? So fast.... Well I'm feeling better at least... Now I have a day to make edits and changes to my work and submit tomorrow.

Last Friday, I attended a sermon in church. The pastor said, quoted from a movie, "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.". This is probably the most romantic and touching thing to hear in the past months. The sad thing is that I couldn't recall any of those moments in this year. Probably I am looking into the wrong things. Or perhaps those moments aren't suppose to be showned easily. For all I know, I spent all my time waiting since the beginning of this year, since the beginning of everything. I am a person who is always failed to hold onto my trust in others. Small obstacles can easily crush me down. I live in regrets and uncertainties. Above all, my faith is weak. Constantly, I am tired of this world and what people can offer me. Sometimes, I feel like I'm a being that lives in a human flesh looking at this world through thy human eyes, and deep down I know I belong somewhere else. Weird I know, but I have this thought since I was 9.

I think I'm doomed to be a pathetic little creature.